The Most Burning Question About Metta World Artest’s Name Change…

metta-world-peace-ron-artest

If the chronicles of Solange Knowles (aka the elevator Larry Davis) have taught us anything, it’s that you don’t court the crazy. And any man that wants to fist fight an entire arena at halftime definitely qualifies as a few forties short of a front porch.

But once the word hit the wire that QB’s own bugged out baller Metta World Peace, the wilding out for the night fist-thrower formally known as Ron Artest, was changing his name once again, we foolishly let ourselves assume the NBA champion would be taking it back to the first name to be found on his birth certificate. But when the word came back that he signed up to play for the Chinese Basketball Association’s Sichuan Blue Whale team and was changing his name to “The Panda’s Friend”?

 

kung fu panda furious five

Negro… you’re from Queensbridge.

And when a man born and raised in the heart of one of the world’s most notorious projects, home of Hip-Hop legends from Nas to Cormega to Mobb Deep to Marley Marl, decides to spend some salary on a name that sounds like a missing Pokemon character, there’s honestly only one question that can be asked:

Fam…. Where were your boys?

It’s been years since the Malice in Palace. There’s no way you’ve managed to spray ‘crazy away’ on everybody you were cool with! Kobe couldn’t tell you the struggle of having to be like Mike to make people forget that his parents named him after a steak? Stephen Jackson couldn’t take time out from writing bars about using Steven Francis’s throat for a hand-warmer to remind you that the only black and white fuzzy things in the hood are cops, pigeons or the occasional Mormon on a bike? If the nut was on another tree, would you really be cool with Jeremy Lin playing for the Brooklyn Nets and changing his name to “The Rottweiler Whisperer”? You might. You know why?

Negro… you’re from Queensbridge.

With that in mind, just know this. Memorizing the menus at the Chinese spot does NOT make you an ace on Asian culture. Adding Lo Mein to the four chicken wings with French fries isn’t gonna give you any extra pull when you ask where Jackie Chan lives. “Five Deadly Venoms” is probably something you’ll catch if you don’t wear a condom in the wrong massage parlor. And yes, they will arrest the SH*T out of you if you attempt to tag up the Great Wall whether you know The Wu-Tang Clan or not.

tropic thunder panda hat gir

If you have plans to go over there and embarrass us any more than you already have, then I hope you get pissed on by the first Panda you give a pound to and bit by the second. Knowing you as we do, you’ll be at the zoo wearing a black and white fur coat over a white wife beater, black basketball shorts while barefoot to make them feel more comfortable. After all, (sigh)

Negro… You’re from Queensbridge.

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Where Were Your Boys? “Somebody” Tell Diddy & Rick Ross To Stop

rick ross diddy

Some days, you just want to know when too far, is really toooo far?

So bright one morning, the Internet was greeted with “Nobody,” a “new” track from Maybach Music boss Rick Ross from his upcoming album “Mastermind.” With his original single “The Devil Is a Lie” feat. Jay-Z failing to catch or match the magic created by “F*uckwithmeyouknowigotit,” the buzz on the upcoming opus has been about as visible as Kanye’s modesty.


So what does former manager and current cosigner Diddy decide to do? Green-light Rozay to redo the Notorious B.I.G. classic “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Kills You.”   This is just months after Diddy leased out Biggie’s Coogi sweater to DJ Khaled for the track “I feel Like Pac, I feel like Biggie.” (And if you think we’re hating even Jadakiss said the track added nothing to their legacy.)

Let me say that one more time for the cheap seats…

In one fell swoop, a few weeks away from the R.I.P. anniversary of his franchise artist The Notorious B.I.G. Sean “Diddy” Combs decided to let a former C.O. remake the great Frank White.

This ain’t the Brooklyn bullsh*t Biggie was on.

tracy-morgan-hell-no-o

Now normally, that kind of blatant blasphemy would have me asking Where Were Your Boys? in a desperate attempt to locate any cat that cared enough to stop the boy from embarrassing himself before it was too late. But in this case, we know the location. He’s in his grave breakdancing like a backup on “Beat Street” while his homie lets a cop get sloppy with his hit. So instead, I think I’ll ask something different.

WTF Were You Thinking??

Isn’t it bad enough that you’ve left behind a legacy of theft long enough to make Native Americans shed a single tear? That half of your former artists that aren’t on work release are on the unemployment line? That the ones who have managed to escape the icy fist of failure that is the Bad Boy curse have to express gratitude through gritting teeth? You had to piss vintage Crys all over the house that Biggie built along with the carpenter knowing damn well French Montana on the hook would give him the same reaction you named your network after?

ya_done_fcked_up_nah_gif

Are we really gonna pretend that Rick hasn’t been dripping lemon-pepper scented drool on his cleavage over the concept of being seen as the next Biggie Smalls?? You adding the only kind of bacon Biggie wasn’t fond of to his song is like David Stern setting up the new rules to the Slam Dunk contests right before he retires for good… one final middle finger to the fans.

If you want forgiveness, go make nice with Ma$e. When it comes to Biggie, you’re never gonna get one more chance to stop us from hoping that C.J. sweep-kicks you when he grows up.

biggie-o

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Where Were Your Boys?: The Funky J & KRS-One Debacle

KRS One

“Ignorance is bliss” has got to be one of the most inaccurate phrases in the history of the human language. That’s probably true, right up until it’s NOT. Ignorance isn’t being stupid, that’s an inability to learn. Ignorance is what you don’t know, and the fact is that most times, what you haven’t learned will have you embarrassed. But what you don’t know can and will get you not just hurt but dragged, mangled, maimed, stomped into wine and F.U.B.A.R. aka

Fugged

Up

Beyond

All

Recognition.

In other words… HURT.

hulksmash

Enter Cali MC Funky J. an up and coming rapper, originally from Ohio who migrated out to Cali. Active in KRS-One’s Temple Of Hip-Hop, J Considers himself a Protege to The Teacha… which makes the following even more baffling…

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During a recorded conversation we see Funky J attempting some halfway gangster tactics on none other than Hip-Hop legend and Bronx native KRS-One. Basically, after a van was stolen that belonged to J, along with twenty stacks that belonged to KRS, Funky J’s ignorance told him that it would be a great decision to leave a note on KRS’s front door stating; “If I find out you had anything to do with this, it’s on.”

This is where the bliss ends.

The conversation picks up with KRS-One informing J that he’s decided it IS on, RIGHT NOW. Then The Teacha decides to remove the ignorance by reminding J of a few things. One, he would break his neck, blow his mouth off, would end up face down on the ground and that the smartest thing he could do was get his gun back from Lion because Hip-Hoppers “get it first.” KRS even goes so far as to ask if he DID pull up in J’s stolen van, autographed by KRS-One himself, “what would you do?” after J admits, “hop in the passenger seat” the rest of the talk finds him playing hopscotch between not looking like a punk and moonwalking away from an all-too-happy-to-manhandle-a-rapper O.G. that he pissed off. J’s bliss is now in orbit… right next to the jig. And there’s only one question left unanswered…

Fam, Where were your boys?

shaking_head_breaking_bad

How in the hell can you claim to be a Hip-Hop lover and not know that KRS-One is NOT the guy to get tough with?! Nobody  ever showed you the cover of “Criminal Minded”? They didn’t tell you that B.D.P. originally stood for “Beat Down Posse” and that “Boogie Down Productions” was the Disney version?? There was no friend in your phone who could have told you KRS had ratchets in his videos before it was cool? That despite the tough talk, most rappers wouldn’t bust a grape in fruit fight while KRS has gone on stage during someone else’s show and thrown them off?? That he’s rolled crew deep into shows, terrorizing cats on the scene for, like… EVER?

You know what? Never mind the past… have you seen some of the recent KRS-One interviews? Can you not see that KRS is just a tad bit… off? This is the man whose house you decided to leave a threatening note at? This 6’4”, former homeless shelter resident has spent his entire life putting hands on people and gets a kick outta pounding out rappers—and you qualify as BOTH? Your thought was that you were going to take a stick and poke Hip-Hop’s original Gucci Mane and line yourself up for a righteous and educated ass-whooping??

krs one gif

Getting into it with KRS-One in 2014 and still expecting peace is about as smart as leaving drugs around Lil Wayne and still expecting to get high. Both are mistakes that could have been avoided if you only had the common sense to pay attention… or friends around to tell you better. Looks like this guy is gonna need a double shot of both. Happy New Year Bruh… smh

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Juvenile’s Verse On “LL Cool” Gives Us Pause [OPINION]

Juvenile On Red Carpet

 

So I was sitting in my house watching Breaking Bad, trying to figure out if my neighborhood has been gentrified enough to turn my closet into a meth lab when I get an email about new music from Juvenile of Cash Money fame. I figured a lil Nawlins would be the perfect motivation to match my current business ambitions, so I hit play on “LL Cool” prepared to zone to some hard-hitting lyrics. Then Thirty-two seconds into the first verse…  it all went wrong.

“Nigga open his mouth on me, I’m gone open his soul/Nigga open his ass for me, I’m gone open his hole…”

Knee-Grow…. WHAT?!

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I pushed stop, turned off the computer, unplugged the power, shook off the chills and made my way to the nearest set of breasts I could find. And while I on the way to the Dominican hair salon (It’s closer than the strip club and there’s no drink minimum), I had one thought that refused to leave me alone…

Where were your boys?!

What in the name of Hot 97 is was going on in the studio? With all this Mister Cee mist in the air, nobody you run with thought this lyric was a bit too WTF’ish for your first rhyme back in awhile? That fresh prison love may actually get you the ears of a very alternative lifesty… I mean, audience?  That the talk of what you’ll do to a mans opening probably wont be the best thing for Cash Money’s, shall we say, hetero-flexible image? No one who cares about you thought to stop the session and say: “Hey Juvie… Yeah, I know I got the session, just had to ask you a question. Hey that rhymed! But anyway… remember that DJ up in NY he kept getting caught by the cops for getting his brotherly love on with no Philly? You know he just got caught again right? Yeah! Sure did! Cats had jokes as far as when Baby kissed Wayne back in the day, saying he should be the DJ for the tour. Hahahaha! Stupid right? So about that first verse…

Now lets get this straight… (no pun intended) I’ve no hate in my blood for anyone of any lifestyle. If you’re a guy that don’t like the girls, that means less competition for me when we hit the club and for that, I salute ya. But unless Juvie is trying to tell us that his new Soulja rag is rainbow colored, he might wanna be a bit more aware of his words and a little less attentive to the holes of the homeboys. Otherwise he might as well start the 2nd verse off with “I likes ya, and I wants ya…”

Where Were Your Boys? – Toure [OPINION]

Toure during an MSNBC broadcast

 

I’m not gonna pretend to understand this at all…

Toure is a journalist…that much is clear. I mean the man’s a writer, serves on The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame committee and hosts “The Hip-Hop Shop” for Fuse. Hell, he’s even a contributor for MSNBC. So you’d like to assume he’s well informed. At least that what you’d assume…

That is until he tweeted “That Jay Z album came and went with barely a murmur.”

Now the only thing we can assume is that he doesn’t live in a house with any black people.

Dude, where were your boys??

Do you really expect us to believe you’ve had your Hip-Hop head so far up your Old Navy khakis that you don’t hear MGHC tracks bumping in the cars and clubs since it dropped? Okay, maybe that’s happening in hoods you don’t want to be seen in. (aka, not allowed in.) But just because you can’t walk through Marcy without having a shopping cart flung from a roof at you is no excuse for this.

Did you lose a bet? Why would anyone let a “Hip-Hop authority” expose just how little authority he has? Do people like you? I mean… not the public, but anyone else? Family? Your barbe… uh, I mean, your driver?

Or maybe, they just thought crying for focus like a sweet sixteen year old was the only way to get the people to remember you exist. Maybe you figured that attempted slander was the only way to get your name mentioned in the same sentence as Jay Z.

We knew you had the hair of a troll… now you’ve got the tweets to match.

Congrats.

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Where Were Your Boys?: Jay Electronica Is O For 2 In 2013 [OPINION]

The Bullitts perform at The Big Chill Festival 2011 - 06/08/11

A few years ago Jay Electronica was the patron saint of the underground rap world.  After grinding throughout the scene for years the Nawlins native developed a cult following that struck mainstream gold with the release of the Just Blaze backed “Exhibit C.” With Diddy on speed dial, production on Nas’s album, a baby by Ms. Badu and the ink dry on his Roc Nation contract, Jay was ready to become the next big thing.

That was in 2009.

Since then label mate J Cole, who was signed after him, has dropped two albums and is all the rage. His boss Jay Z has gone number one again, had a baby and Jay Elec’s album has gone the way of Detox. I mean even Common and 3 Stacks managed to pump out product after being Badu-ing. Their rhymes recovered, even if their clothes didn’t.

Common ain’t rock crocheted pants for him to do this…  

So after a few years of playing American gigolo in Europe with Kate Rothschild and with his status fast slipping into the “has-been-that-never-was category” Jay decided now was the time to return for the sake of the lyric lovers. So what brilliant move does Jay decide on? What’s a sure fire way to get your lane back? Got it! Why not jump on a track with some of these new cats making noise?! They’ve been running around swearing they got lyrics… why not hop on a track with them? One quick spanking should prove the point, yes? Who’s out here? Big Sean with Kendrick Lamar? Yeah! This could work.

Jay… where were your boys dude?

Couldn’t somebody pull you to the side and inform you that maybe these were the wrong two dudes to mount a comeback on? (PAUSE)  NOBODY at all? “Hey Jay, check this out, Big Sean JUST made it his mission to out rap every MC he gets on a song with. I think we’re gonna have to step the game up… Oh no don’t get it twisted, I know you can take him… I’m just saying be careful my dude! Oh and ummm Kendrick has kinda been eating everything in sight. Not sure we want this to be the one we comeback on. How about a nice safe cut with 2 Chainz and Trinidad James? Huh? They’re hot right now, too! The names already rhyme, the bars basically write themselves!”

But “Control” happened… just check here, here and here for the aftermath…

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How bad did you piss off the engineer that they didn’t even think about changing the order on “Control” to avoid your ghosting? Kendrick salted the earth and you came on sounding like the little pop gun in “Harlem Nights.”

This is supposed to be a comeback! That doesn’t mean you come back to the point where everyone forgets you exist again! And that’s exactly what’s going to happen when you get washed to the point where FEMA feels like avoiding you.

And then two weeks after people had to be reminded you were on the track you got left behind on, with fresh footprints on your ass, you deliver a dud all over again on Rapsody’s “Jedi Code” feat. Phonte.

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Yeah… it just got awkward.

Jay, we’re starting to think you DIG people climbing in your ass like a proctologist. After the scissoring you suffered at the hands of K Dot and Big Sean, you should be thinking redemption. But instead you comeback to the booth with another cupcake with cream on top? C’mon fam, even the girl-scouts don’t give away candy like this, but these bars are more Snickers than super!  Maybe this verse was recorded before “Control” but it’s still two back-to-back Ls  no matter how you slice it.

If you like having your ass whipped, there are websites you can visit (or so I’ve heard) no judgement man…

But if not, love is not supposed to hurt. Get some help man.

Go see what Lupe is up to. Nas owes you one too right? Just sayin…

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When Celebrity Trolling Goes Wrong [OPINION]

A Split Screen of DJ Khaled, Nicki Minaj, Earl Sweatshirt

 

(Don’t Feed The Trolls)Don't Feed The Trolls

This sign went from being my screen saver to my avatar and more recently, my life philosophy, to be shouted from the rooftops of every social network I could find. It was a great way to remind folks that there are a gang of folks out there that, despite our many attempts at fake deep enlightenment, still feed on f*ckery and negative attention. Now most times these anonymous mouth breathers are just a-holes with Internet looking to get a rise out of people. But the recent rash of celeb faces attached to the act-up have gotten blatant to the point of asking:

Where Were Your Boys?? A.K.A. Has It REALLY Come To This?!

This is what it takes to sell albums? Earl Sweatshirt, heralded as the Nas-level lyricist of Odd-Future, on camera with a wig calling himself Mocha Desire while speaking on ostrich rights and hitting on… himself? Dude… I won’t ask where your boys were. Mostly because your boys are Odd Future and they were probably too busy wig shopping to join you but I’m sure Frank Ocean shot the side-eye at Earls do-it-your-self groupie kit.

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B. Scott ain’t learn to rock red bottoms for you negroes to do this.

And how many bottles of Bellaire did Khaled and Nicki knock off to come up with the proposal marketing strategy? Should we, the people, believe this is a publicity stunt OR are we really supposed to believe that you needed to propose to the women you want to spend the rest of your life with over TV because she’s too busy to take your calls?! Dude, you should have taken the hint before you took out a loan for that ring. If this ain’t a publicity stunt, it’s the G.O.A.T. creep move.

I’m guessing the only thing Khaled aint suffering from, other than sales is sobriety.

Where in the hell were the publicists?! Who decided that Earl in drag was a good way to sell his album? Who told Khaled that the world’s thirstiest proposal would get the barbs to believe he’s suffering from success? Have the gimmicks really evolved to this? Has the marketing departments all been downsized at the same time? Is pushing your product worth pushing our people via a virtual shuck-&-Jive back to square one?

NOBODY at the label thought to say: Hey Khaled! Stop yelling for a second, we gotta talk! Listen, I know the album didn’t do too well this time around… Yes, yes, I know… “We Da Best” indeed. Listen though; I got a glance at this new plan… I’m not sure elevating you to King Creep status is going to help the numbers. Maybe we just put a call in to the head of Minaj marketing and say ”listen Scaff, we’re going to have to pass on this one, keep pitching though!” Sound good? I’ll set it up.

Or how about a quick pass through to OFWGKTA Records for a convo like: “Earl, listen. We’re having a super difficult time marketing you to girls. It’s just that, well you look like… have you ever seen the movie ‘Gremlins?’ No? Oh right , before your time. Well see the thing is, when you put on a wig… have you by any chance seen Gremlins 2?”

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